Would dealing with a miscarriage be easier if I already had a child?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about whether my miscarriage would have been easier to bear if I already had a child. The obvious answer is no – the grief at a lost part of myself, a lost member of my family, a lost opportunity for life would be just as strong, just as hard to get past. I would still be grieving for the child I’ll never get to know, and I might still feel that my family was incomplete and that I wanted to give the child I’d had previously a brother or sister.

The physical trauma would still be just as disturbing too. Having to deal with the loss of a pregnancy is so visceral, so frightening and alien and unyielding, that no circumstances would make that easy to bear – even mothers losing an unwanted pregnancy still have that reality to live through.

But if you told me, right now, that I could just have one healthy baby and then no chance for another one – even if you got out your crystal ball and said that I’d had a terrible traumatic birth and couldn’t have any more children – I would say YES! Where do I sign up? Right now, the uncertainty of whether I will ever have a successful pregnancy, whether I’ll ever hold my own baby in my arms, is so dreadful that having one child would feel like such a blessing.

I was so afraid of childbirth before – afraid of the pain and the unknown and the indignity. Now I don’t care! I really don’t care what happens to me. Nothing will seem an effort if my own little baby – my own, healthy little happy thing – is with me.

In some ways, it’s not the miscarriage itself that would be easier – nothing can make that anything other than the hardest thing you hope ever to do. It’s the moving on, picking myself up, and looking to the future that I think would be a little easier. If that future already involved three, I’d feel like the luckiest girl in the world.


9 thoughts on “Would dealing with a miscarriage be easier if I already had a child?

  1. I think it is easier…
    I know someone who had three miscarriages – two before her first child, and one before her fifth – and she told me that it’s easier when you already have kids.

    And I believe her. I have a two-year-old son, thank G-d, and I would be ten times more depressed right now if I didn’t have one. It doesn’t solve all my doubts – what if he was just fluke? What if we have secondary infertility, G-d forbid? What if the next pregnancy turns out the same way as this one? Will he be six years old before he gets a sibling? Will he ever get a sibling? And if so, how many? How long will it take?
    But just because in some way it’s easier, doesn’t mean it’s easy at all….

  2. I tend to disagree. I think if I already had a child my miscarriage would be an easier pill to swallow. Not easy, just easier. As I stand right now, besides the obvious regrets of knowing that I’m never going to hold my child and that I’ll never know how he/ she looked like, I live in the doubt and fear of not knowing if I’ll ever hold a baby of mine in my arms. Which is why even though my miscarried pregnancy was unplanned, I will start trying to conceive again right away. The thought of not knowing whether i can bear a child kills me.

  3. Thing is…..that secondary infertility happens, too. So no matter what – there are no guarantees. And the doubts are still there.
    I think the reason it’s easier when you have a child, is that you come home to a little person who wants to make things all better, who needs you, who can give you sweet hugs and kisses.
    But the doubts – will I be able to have [more] children – the doubts are still there. As is the “what if this happens again”? And “will it happen again”?

  4. Just found this blog as I was lying in bed recovering from a miscarriage and d&c a few days ago. I have a 3 year old already and I am very grateful that I have him during this worst time of my life. He was not a planned pg like this one and came so easily that I became spoilt and took everything for granted. If the miscarriage has any meaning to it, it makes me realize how lucky I had been without even knowing it and I hope it makes me and every unfortunate but strong woman who had to go through it a better parent in the long run. I also wish I hadnt been selfish and waited so long to try for a 2nd one. I took my time travelling, working and just figure everything would go fine when I do try and he would have a little sibling by 4. Now he won’t and it’s the one thing that I can’t get over.

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