I started this blog last summer to try and connect with other women who were ahead of their friends in trying for a baby and who, like me, felt a bit isolated. Back then I was worried about losing my freedom and friendships, and I blogged about vitamins and back pain and exercise. It didn’t take off much, mainly because I didn’t stick at it very long – I got downcast because it took us five months to get pregnant. I know that’s not a lot, but I became focused on that number and the blog slipped to the back of my mind. And then, in October, we found out we were expecting – and I was so happy and so preoccupied that, again, the the blog wasn’t on my list of priorities.
We suffered a miscarriage in January at 10 weeks, and since then the way I feel about, well, everything, has changed.
I’ve got to a place where I feel I really need to write about it, and where I feel like I could have worthwhile things to share with other people in the same situation, instead of just tears. I could have started a new blog but I still think there’s useful stuff in the posts I made before, so please read them if you’re interested in preparing for pregnancy in general. But if, like me, miscarriage fills your thoughts so much more than you ever dreaded it would, then I hope there is something comforting or helpful in my experiences.
I haven’t found a miscarriage blog out there that I really like, that said things in the way I needed them to be said. The whole idea of a ‘miscarriage blog’ is maybe a misnomer, because nobody could possibly blog about it while it was happening – blogs like this have to be in retrospect. So it’s already an awkward concept. But in the whole gamut of emotions that people feel after losing a baby, apparently a compulsion to talk about it is one normal reaction – and that’s exactly how I feel. It’s hard to actually talk to friends and family as they often don’t want the gory details, both physical and emotional. The slight distance that a blog gives is perfect for that.
So, it’s going to be a bit of a traumatic thing to write, I think, but hopefully therapeutic too. I’ll be posting every day for the next week, so follow the story if you want to, whether you’re sitting at home in the dark depths of your grief or whether you feel like the light is there, at the end of the tunnel, but that sometimes you turn a dark corner and lose sight of it.
If you have lost a baby recently, all I can give you is my deepest sympathy, understanding and hopes for a better future.
Tomorrow’s blog: Losing my baby – dealing with the first day