Another month wasted

I started my period last night – so that’s another month of nothing. Another month of futile hoping and trying. Another month to wait before another chance.

I cried again last night, even through I thought I’d feel less hopeless this month – for all my rationalisation and talk of silver linings, I was still hoping with my whole heart, still holding on for one more day to pass without my period starting, just enough to make it worth a pregnancy test. Just maybe it would be positive.

I was just deluding myself. I feel utterly barren.

I really, really need to get out of this habit of counting the days and weeks and months as if they’re wasted. It’s just so hard *not* to see them as wasted when I feel like all I want is to be pregnant again. It’s the purpose of my life, much as I might try to find purpose in other things – everything else feels like marking time.

And time feels like it’s slipping away. I know I’m still only 29 and it’s only been four months since my miscarriage, but most of the time I just can’t envisage ever having any good news again, ever being able to actually announce that we’re having a baby. I just feel like all I’m having is blood. Blood and blood and blood and never a baby. I’m so sick of bleeding – I just feel like I never want to bleed again.

But of course I have to do this, have to come to terms with my cycle and all the traumatic memories and feelings it brings, because it’s the only thing that can maybe bring me a baby one day. My cycle is back to being fairly regular (normal for me, anyway) which is a good thing. I wish I could muster up any genuine feeling of pleasure about that.

So off we go again. Another month. In the meantime I guess I have few days of being able to enjoy a glass of wine – I’m not a huge drinker but not being able to have a glass used to feel like a big sacrifice when I was pregnant. What I wouldn’t give to have to say no to a drink tonight.

I asked my husband today if he really, truly, from the bottom of his heard didn’t wish he’d married someone else, someone who could give him a baby easily and quickly and with none of this heartache. He said he didn’t feel that way at all – that it could happen to anyone and that it wasn’t my fault. I’ve asked him that so many times but I believed him a bit more tonight. I know he loves me and won’t leave me, and doesn’t blame me. I just need to find a way to stop blaming myself.

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6 thoughts on “Another month wasted

  1. This really could happen to anyone. And it’s NOT your fault. It could happen to pregnancy #1, #2, or #5. And it happens to a lot of people. (No, that’s not comforting when it happens to you. But it is NOT your fault.)

    I am so sorry you got your period. :( ((HUGS)) I hope this month is your month and you have a healthy baby in February.

  2. Please please try and stay positive, I know it is impossible at this moment. Do not think of yourself as “barren” that is a horrible word that has been used against and by women for far too long. You are not barren, you are settling back into a natural cycle after what has been both psychologically and physically traumatising for you. Your body is doing so well to be settling already and this really bodes well. You have conceived before which means in all likelihood you can and will again! It is not anothe month wasted at all, it is another healthy month gained!. I wish you all the luck in the world x

  3. Could it be that you’re not getting your ovulation days right after your miscarriage? I’m on my second cycle after my miscarriage and I can’t for the life of me figure out my ovulation days. I used to have perfectly regular 27 day cycles before my miscarriage and I used to know the exact day, if not hour of my ovulation, according to my dates as well as bodily signs. Now I just don’t know… my luteal phase changed, I don’t know how many days in my cycle any more, my ovulation symptoms just went berserk. We tried again this month but afterwards I realized I might actually have missed my fertile window by a day or two :( Of course here I am thinking that I am in the two-week-wait and imagining all sorts of symptoms but in my heart of hearts I know I will be getting my period in two weeks’ time. If I don’t figure out the way my body is working, I don’t think getting pregnant again will be as easy as the first time :(

  4. Don’t let it break you down, I believe that if you feel this strongly about bringing your own child into the world, how BADLY you want this child, they will come. You have conceived once, you will again. Its okay to feel bad when you get your hopes up. Your supposed to hope for what you want most, but its just not always gonna go as planned. I believe you’ll conceive. I wish you luck. I wish you GREAT fertility. I wish you the bun in your oven. :)

  5. Sending you a hug, my period also came last week and I know that sinking feeling well, it’s my 3rd period since my miscarriage and it doesn’t get easier, everyone around me is getting pregnant and I feel left behind, before my miscarriage I have struggled for two years to get pregnant and have secondary infertility so it feels utterly hopeless right now, I can’t offer many words of wisdom on this subject because Im still looking for answers myself but I wanted you to know you are not alone, I am virtually hold your hand through this journey and am feeling all the pain and heartache too, sending you lots of luck for this time! X x

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